Recovery is more than 12 steps

The magic is in the music. It can take me to foreign lands, buried memories, long lost feelings, and past touches. It has the ability to change your mood or to lull you into sleep. The one thing music cannot do is physically lay next to me – I hate sleeping alone. More than sleeping alone I miss being touched; a touch that says ‘I’ve missed you’ or ‘you are a dear friend’ or ‘I don’t want to ever let you go’. Any touch, really. I go months without any type of contact other than a hand shake or a bump on a busy street. Here is the music that has been in my head.

Well your eyes are weary and your face is long.
And so is the road you’ve been traveling on.
that You’ve been running wild on

But I want to know just what makes you go, why you choose to love him so
and when the rain comes pouring, your heavy heart is beating strong

Well your faith it is fragile and your tears are all gone
Cause you cry like somebody’s been loving you all wrong
You’ve slept with lions and you weathered the storm

But I want to know is what makes you go,
Why you choose to love him so…
When the rain comes pouring off your heavy heart is beating strong…

What a waste, you love him.
Is it the cold in his touch?
Your heart must be tired.
Cause you’ve been crying too much.

Life feels cruel these days. Not fun but exhausting. I long and very much love a simple kind of life. Simple happiness, simple smiles, simple food, and simple love. How come this complex and increasingly dark world is fogging my ability to find a simple kind of man? A simple kind of friend?
I really love this song above. My heart IS tired. There is not a more simple way to explain it. I have had love… tainted love though. The sort of love that rips your insides open and pours salt in the gushing center… and eventually all of your insides shrivel and die. As your heart tries to pump the gritty slush of blood and tears mixed with ash from fond memories ruined your body falls to the ground. I have decided the only solution is to keep moving your feet. One foot infront of the other. When that fails, drag yourself around. Left, Right, Left… Right. Left, Right.  Our only choice is to keep moving and to hope that our  bodies recover.
Does anybody know how to recover without rebound? Without self deprecating painful relationship? DoI just wait?  I’m a fighter. I feel like waiting is not an option. If I want happiness don’t I only have the option of going after it fighting, screaming, and ripping my way though the pain? How do I do that when the pain immobilizes me?

My heart is tired cause I’ve been crying too much. Except sometimes my soul cries instead – my eyes have given up on tears. My soul is weeping for a connection. To Connect. So Simple.

_______

The world is all gates, all opportunities, strings of tension waiting to be struck. – Ralph Waldo Emerson.
_______

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