I have been having trouble sleeping. In an effort at full disclosure, I have been having trouble doing a lot of things. Sleeping, waking, working, playing. All of these things have been less autonomic and more so resembling labor. One thing that I am not having trouble doing is emoting. It is a weird juxtaposition as I feel like I am numb but at the same time screaming to experience a true reaction, a genuine response. It is odd that I find myself so visceral these days. I could jump to the conclusion that loneliness has taken it’s toll but that would probably be preemptive and likely dismissive.
There was an analogy I encountered recently that seems quite accurate. The metaphor is speaking about kites and how you must hold onto the cord to keep the kite in the air. It mentioned that the thing about kites is you have to hold on tight so they can fight against the wind. Because the second you let go, all the life goes out of them. I feel like that is me right now. I want to be up there in the wind but all of this fighting and holding on tight to something that is so entirely not there is extinguishing my passion for life. Why is connecting so hard? How come the things I connect to seem to be music or books or a dead writer? Can no one relate to me?
The only thing that keeps me going are the few people in my life and the animals who depend on me. That is sad for someone my age. I am sad for someone my age. Where are my good times?
I cannot help but think that all of the things causing me anxiety or sadness are merely shadows. Regardless, certainly there are days that feel like months in terms of grievances. Why is it that the night soothes me more than the day and that silence comforts me more than the noise of the streets or peoples voices. With all of these questions I cannot help but ask one more: what is wrong with me?
Now this is connecting. Thank you Ben Gibbard. Listen Closely.
I feel strangely incomplete and most certainly grieving for days that feel more like months than weeks.
“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” — Thomas Edison
When is too early to give up and how do I know? All the wisdom in the world is useless without the proper path to my feet.