I am finding it difficult to persevere. In life, in the pursuit of happiness, in my work… it simply feels like a dead-end.
When I was a kid I loved corn mazes. I loved running and giggling as I looked (more like neurotically searched) for the end. When I was searching I would simply exhaust myself until BAM. The dead-end. I remember folding over with my hands on my knees to catch my breath, looking up at my friend who had been trying hard to follow me the whole way, and standing up to immediately bolt again for the next path.
Now that I’m older it doesn’t feel like this anymore.I may run at times towards the goal but now when I hit a dead-end I find myself folded over, but this time in the fetal position on the floor. Why is it so hard to continue even when I feel so strongly pulled in the direction. Am I an anchor for my own goals?
I wish that this was easy. I keep telling myself that once I have the career I want that my life will get better. My interactions will be more fruitful, my stumbling blocks will be more of a solvable puzzle rather than a maze in which to lose myself. I suppose that is exactly it – I have lost myself.
I have a job that is important, no doubt, but I hold very little passion for it. Weekly I find myself gasping for air underneath the panic of striving for creativity and novelty in a job that has no elasticity. My coworkers push me to ‘think big’ while maintaining the same level of enthusiasm for their part of the job. Thinking big? What does that even mean?
This song has been played a lot lately by me… except I look at this as my future talking to me. Fighting over whether or not I should fight or give up:
Will my future always be the moon in the water? Something that I can see but never quite catch. Is there guidance out there?