Home

 

I don’t have much to say about this video except that it makes me smile…. and smiling has been a rare commodity lately.

I hope this video helps you smile too!

“Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie
Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ
Ain’t nothing please me more than you” <– so incredibly goofy and perfect.

_______

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” – Anonymous 

Advertisements

Call Me a Junkie

When you work with children with disabilities you are forever changed. There is unarguably some switch in our human make-up like that of a thousand candles. There is no dimmer, there is no off… it is forever hardwired to be set on fire for this special population. Once you make that connection you are hooked. You cannot experience a child with autism, downs, MR, the list goes on, without being undeniably and wholly altered. This change is so so so good. If they made a drug that created the euphoria that these children can create in a life, we would all be addicted junkies!

Now, I am no fool. I am fully aware of the days that feel like mud. Some days they can experience terrible reactions to things common place to a typically developed child. However, there is something so pure and real about these moments too. There aren’t any headgames or fake masks they hide behind. The transparency is so refreshing and endearing. When they are sad, or angry, or elated… it’s all so clear. Sometimes I wish that I had the courage to behave in such a lucid fashion.

It’s not fantasy or dreaming to say that the love felt and shared by these children is like no drug or feeling ever experienced. It feels like imagination, but it’s not. It’s genuine. It’s real. Perhaps it may appear fake because the world is so use to individuals who hide emotions, plan what to say and feel, and react only as they would believe is expected by society. We get in our own way so many times we nearly miss out on such true emotions. As I sit here in my first job since college that does not directly work with these precious jewels, I am tearful. I miss them. I miss the connection we share and I miss every single part of the experience.

I heard an analogy recently that I will share as it relates so perfectly to the bond formed. I altered a few things for easier correlation.

When you love someone like I love this population, they’re a part of you. It’s like you’re attached by this invisible tether and no matter how far away you are you can always feel them… and when I miss them I feel like I am falling into nothingness. And then I remember Jacob. I remember a life lead with no enemies, no resentments, no regrets and I am inspired. I miss these kids very much – it feels like a piece of me has been ripped off.

This analogy of being tethered to people and having a ‘calling’ are so undeniable. Once you’ve experienced something you simply cannot live without it seems that your DNA changes. You feel like you are lost in a desert without any sign of water and even in a crowded room filled with water fountains you could die of dehydration. And it goes for anything, anyone.

Truth be told, when I heard this analogy I was thinking of my grandfather (who is, by the grace of God, still alive). What I would do if he were gone, how I could cope and the reality of it all is that I wouldn’t… part of me thinks that I couldn’t. How would I survive, how would I wake up, go on, smile ever for anything? Could I? Truly? The thought of even having to smile without him around is unbearable. Because I love him so much that even the though of missing him leaves me grasping my throat as I gasp for air and my chest so inverted that it may as well drop to the floor and be trampled repeatedly.

Love does not have to be some silly love song written for a lover. This is love. Love is a bond so hardwired in your soul and woven into your skin that when you even think about life outside of it you’d rather not live at all. Love is the air that keeps my lungs inflated and the reason why I can put on a strong mask even when the world is slowly plucking my spine apart disc by disc. My special ed children, my lifelong friends, my grandfather… they are my vital organs. Without those organs my life ceases too… or at least my perception of the world turns grey and bleak.

I am so indelibly grateful for these experiences and these people in my life because they have molded me out of the mud and they have made my heart feel… and guys, I’m a junkie.

_______

Love is, above all, the gift of oneself. Jean Anouilh


Star-light, Star-bright…

OK, so part of me hates to stoop so low… but I just have to say it.

— How come the girls/guys with the ugliest souls and personalities always seem to have it all? The relationship, the job, the whole world as a doorstep?

Oh. Huh, that sort of just unfolded. I guess when you use the whole world as a doorstep you are bound to have an ugly heart. The real question now, I suppose, is what is in it for the rest of us?

What do I get? Sure, I have my bitchy moments… but all in all, I am proud to say I am a just individual (especially after my c-word show down the other day at the bar when I so kindly waved a peace flag… which was met with a quick run out the door. Oh well, can’t say I didn’t try).

But really, not to sound selfish here but where’s my turn? I am not being selfish, just impatient. People say “it’s out there” or “the best things come to those who wait”… but I think there should be a more tied down definition of “those who wait” here. Maybe we need to cap it off at 30? 40? eeek!

I don’t know world. I still wish for peace and love those who persevere, but I can’t help but wonder when justice will come to those peaceful, quiet souls? At what point to I stop waiting and start seizing?

_______

“Patience is not passive; on the contrary, it is active; it is concentrated strength” Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton.

Bang Bang Bang, Baby!

All my life you know
I haven’t been very love strong
Cause there’s so many fights
That I fought and had never won
So I decided that I should just give up
Trying to right your wrong
And word on the street is she did to you
What you did to me …

So unfortunately, for girls like me
There are more like you
Bending and breaking the rules
And we’re making exceptions too
But how does it feel?
To swim in your own tears?
You lied and you lied
And I died and I died
And now you know why

Karma tastes so sweet.

_______

That, it seems, is the impossibility. That being free. What would the dark do with out fevers to eat? What would the light do without eyes to knife, what would he do, do, do without me? Silvia Plath, The Jailer.

1-800-quit-now

Why don’t they make a patch or gum to help me quit him?
I hear going cold turkey is damn near impossible… and I’m starting to agree. Is there a support number? Fuck.

_______

image

“God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of “parties” with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear.  And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter – they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.  Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship – but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.”

Windmills

There’s something that you won’t show waiting where the light goes
And anyway the wind blows – It’s all worth waiting for…

— That is all for today.

_______

A bird does not sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song. Chinese proverb

Regrets that Glitter

For today’s blog I want to pose the same question as is posed in the video… so you have to watch the video first.

What Is Your Biggest Regret:

My biggest regret is…

keeping the most genuine parts of my personality hidden or restrained when around most people. I have learned from experience that when you reveal  you open yourself up to pain and vicious hurt. In return, I inadvertently created an adaptive behavior of surface smile. This means that to most people I appear friendly, outgoing, and confident. I do not let my weakness show. In my older age I have learned that opening myself up to those who prove themselves true friends is extremely rewarding… and the fear of getting hurt drops away. There are still people who have gained my trust and then turned that trust into regret, but I won’t go back.

I have regrets with relationships and decisions too. I regret not grabbing “earthy crunch” by the hand and letting myself admit that I loved him. I regret slapping him when he kissed me, and I regret not telling him to this day that I loved love him. (He is married now to a girl who is similar to me. Too little, too late).

I think the point is that we all have regrets. Even when we say “I try not to have regrets”… there are things, actions, scenarios that we all wish had different outcomes. The best we can do is move on, learn from our regrets, and proceed with caution and execute our dreams with precision. I write this today as a benediction to the future. Hope for better days and brighter smiles, for tears when needed, and full disclosure. Cheers to change and cheers to those things that shaped me into who I am now. Sure, I have regrets… but I cherish them because I won’t ever let another “earthy crunchy” slip through my hands. Ever. I won’t rush through a day if the sun is shining. I won’t sleep in a tent when I can sleep under the stars. Every frustration can be something good… SALUD to good health, good friends, and the mistakes and missteps we make along the way!

What is your biggest regret?

_______