capsizing

Time it swallows everything… from the mighty to the meager thing and it’s as dark as it is comforting to play along.

I need someone to help me get lost. I feel like I have been a torrent of thoughts, emotions (while maintaining a completely glacial and flat affect) and I cannot simply let go, break free, or run away. How do you take all of the memories and simply wipe them from your head? In this ocean of insane emotions I find myself ready to capsize. The scary thing about it all is that I do not become an emotional wreck like most people. When this feeling overcomes me I decompensate. It is like the more I think and the more pain I feel the less I emote. Is that dangerous – – I suppose I could be concerned that it is.

It is hard to put a finger on what emotion I am feeling, too. I feel a little lonely, a little tired, pretty disheveled, and a good bit lost.

Sometimes I lay in the bathtub, take a deep breath, and submerge my entire body. It is so silent under the water. So quiet. So calm. Can I buy that feeling? Can I find it where I can breathe a bit easier?

You remember that song “ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone”… while I am currently void of a stable significant other, I feel like my entire life is to that tune. That is not to say that I am sitting at home longing for my dream man (6′ something, tall, dark, foreign, handsome, speaks spanish and english – minimally… but hey, I’m not picky) but I am at least sometimes walking to that tune, wondering if there will ever be sunshine in my soul while I am still so flat and void of feeling.

I had feelings at one point. I swear I did. I had strong, loving, kind sentiments. I guess life tends to squash those into dust, or are they even present at all at that point. Or relationships do the stomping, or perhaps even I am the one to blame for this type of soul homicide.. did I self destruct? In any case, I am lackluster.

I suppose the best response to “how are you” in this case, or in the meantime, will be “beige – I am beige”. Because after all, that is a pretty accurate description of it. Not colorful, not dark, certainly not bright and clean… just commonplace, normal, hidden almost. BEIGE.

Ironically, I think that my personality, once you know me, is anything BUT beige. I suppose it is awkward. Different absolutely and blunt without a doubt. I suppose I need someone to help me get those colors back out… be it friend, foe, love, or affair.

(totally an unintentional rhyme right there)

_______

The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose.  ~Richard Grant

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2 responses to “capsizing

  1. maybe if you welcome the beige the colors will feel a hell of a lot more important later. i think there’s a reason for everything. but i have no advice because this is where i tend to get impulsive and come back with a tattoo.

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