Follow my lead

Follow these instructions to the T!!!

Step 1: Turn Off Your Lights

Step 2: Lower the brightness on your monitor

Step 3: Make anyone leave the room that will not be completely silent

Step 4: Play this song in COMPLETE silence, loud enough to silence your thoughts.

Step 5: Small Cry

Step 6: Om Shanti Shanti Shanti.

 

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Wait! What I really Meant To say was…

Have you ever walked into a room and felt your entire soul sink? You quickly realize why: this person (we won’t even define the relationship) is standing over there with other people, less honest and real people, and your wind is immediately knocked out of your sails. There is so much unsaid, so many things you would NEVER say out loud. Then the polite conversation ensues – “hey… it’s been too long. how are you (thud, heart hit the deck!)” and the reply is always the same “f-i-n-e”. (It is common knowledge now that fine really means F.reaked out I.nsecure N.eurotic and E.motional, right?) Regardless… everytime this happens to me, with only a few people, this song begins to play in my head on loop-cycle. It is a spectacularly raw song that I have loved since it’s inception. Props to Cyndi Thomspon and Tommy Lee James (co-writer) for the reality and vulnerability they put together in this gorgeous story. Enjoy.

This song will forever be my ‘too little, too late’ song.

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And as you walked away
The echo of my words
Cut just like a knife
Cut so deep it hurt
I held back the tears
Held on to my pride and watched you go
I wonder if you’ll ever know … what I really meant to say

capsizing

Time it swallows everything… from the mighty to the meager thing and it’s as dark as it is comforting to play along.

I need someone to help me get lost. I feel like I have been a torrent of thoughts, emotions (while maintaining a completely glacial and flat affect) and I cannot simply let go, break free, or run away. How do you take all of the memories and simply wipe them from your head? In this ocean of insane emotions I find myself ready to capsize. The scary thing about it all is that I do not become an emotional wreck like most people. When this feeling overcomes me I decompensate. It is like the more I think and the more pain I feel the less I emote. Is that dangerous – – I suppose I could be concerned that it is.

It is hard to put a finger on what emotion I am feeling, too. I feel a little lonely, a little tired, pretty disheveled, and a good bit lost.

Sometimes I lay in the bathtub, take a deep breath, and submerge my entire body. It is so silent under the water. So quiet. So calm. Can I buy that feeling? Can I find it where I can breathe a bit easier?

You remember that song “ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone”… while I am currently void of a stable significant other, I feel like my entire life is to that tune. That is not to say that I am sitting at home longing for my dream man (6′ something, tall, dark, foreign, handsome, speaks spanish and english – minimally… but hey, I’m not picky) but I am at least sometimes walking to that tune, wondering if there will ever be sunshine in my soul while I am still so flat and void of feeling.

I had feelings at one point. I swear I did. I had strong, loving, kind sentiments. I guess life tends to squash those into dust, or are they even present at all at that point. Or relationships do the stomping, or perhaps even I am the one to blame for this type of soul homicide.. did I self destruct? In any case, I am lackluster.

I suppose the best response to “how are you” in this case, or in the meantime, will be “beige – I am beige”. Because after all, that is a pretty accurate description of it. Not colorful, not dark, certainly not bright and clean… just commonplace, normal, hidden almost. BEIGE.

Ironically, I think that my personality, once you know me, is anything BUT beige. I suppose it is awkward. Different absolutely and blunt without a doubt. I suppose I need someone to help me get those colors back out… be it friend, foe, love, or affair.

(totally an unintentional rhyme right there)

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The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose.  ~Richard Grant

Are You Happy?

No matter how much you may want them to… People don’t change when they don’t want to change. No matter how ‘unhappy’ they claim to be…

Here is a simple solution for those people who are too stubborn or mule-headed to be able to figure out how to change:

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To change one’s life:
1. Start immediately.
2. Do it flamboyantly.
3. No exceptions.

– William James

Prove It!

A lot of words are so easy to say.

Love Hate                  Sadness                broken

I don’t care                         I’m  so sorry It doesn’t matter

I miss you I need you                         My heart aches

You are Important to Me                       I can survive without you

I am your friend                     I choose her                           change

I think I love you

easy to say… but impossibly hard to prove.

I don’t want to be too scared to say the things that are truly worth saying…. and then spend my life proving their truth.

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I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel… Maya Angelou

Rendezvous

Well, I am officially 100% without a doubt, axiomatically confused. It would seem that Mr. Duplicity is too.

Never the less, what does that leave me to do? Without much communication for nearly 5 months (it took a lot of willpower) I hear from him again and we go out to ‘catch up’. Historically within our relation of turbulence I’ve done the ‘patient’ person, I’ve played the ‘open-minded’ person, I’ve given unbiased advice, played hardball,  and I’ve come to the conclusion that patience was perhaps the best option… even if it translates into evaporation of friendship. After closing off my head and heart and limiting my thoughts of aforementioned person, he somehow ends up at my house on his knees stating over and over how sorry he is and then somehow…

Hands, hair, blankets, lips, pillows flying through the air, rolling over each other, tongues, hands on faces, glistening stomachs, buttons snapping, where’s my shirt……………………………………… who cares!

You get the point, right? So… friendship perhaps isn’t what he was hiding at all… maybe he’s crying “I don’t know how to say I L**E you… so I try to say nothing at all”. Either way, I am in a pickle.

_______

I just know that I did what felt right. Smiling back at him feels right, his hand on my face feels right. It may all be so stupid in the end… but I guess I’ll never admit to myself that I have aspirations to be a romantic. It is a risk to l_ _ e, to feel this way? What if it doesn’t work out… ah but what if it does.

Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better… Ralph Waldo Emerson