Time it swallows everything… from the mighty to the meager thing and it’s as dark as it is comforting to play along.
I need someone to help me get lost. I feel like I have been a torrent of thoughts, emotions (while maintaining a completely glacial and flat affect) and I cannot simply let go, break free, or run away. How do you take all of the memories and simply wipe them from your head? In this ocean of insane emotions I find myself ready to capsize. The scary thing about it all is that I do not become an emotional wreck like most people. When this feeling overcomes me I decompensate. It is like the more I think and the more pain I feel the less I emote. Is that dangerous – – I suppose I could be concerned that it is.
It is hard to put a finger on what emotion I am feeling, too. I feel a little lonely, a little tired, pretty disheveled, and a good bit lost.
Sometimes I lay in the bathtub, take a deep breath, and submerge my entire body. It is so silent under the water. So quiet. So calm. Can I buy that feeling? Can I find it where I can breathe a bit easier?
You remember that song “ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone”… while I am currently void of a stable significant other, I feel like my entire life is to that tune. That is not to say that I am sitting at home longing for my dream man (6′ something, tall, dark, foreign, handsome, speaks spanish and english – minimally… but hey, I’m not picky) but I am at least sometimes walking to that tune, wondering if there will ever be sunshine in my soul while I am still so flat and void of feeling.
I had feelings at one point. I swear I did. I had strong, loving, kind sentiments. I guess life tends to squash those into dust, or are they even present at all at that point. Or relationships do the stomping, or perhaps even I am the one to blame for this type of soul homicide.. did I self destruct? In any case, I am lackluster.
I suppose the best response to “how are you” in this case, or in the meantime, will be “beige – I am beige”. Because after all, that is a pretty accurate description of it. Not colorful, not dark, certainly not bright and clean… just commonplace, normal, hidden almost. BEIGE.
Ironically, I think that my personality, once you know me, is anything BUT beige. I suppose it is awkward. Different absolutely and blunt without a doubt. I suppose I need someone to help me get those colors back out… be it friend, foe, love, or affair.
(totally an unintentional rhyme right there)
The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose. ~Richard Grant