Tranquil I sit; Quiet and alone, contemplative. Not regretting, not wanting for anything. Just reflecting. You know, sometimes I think so negatively about myself. Whether it is the culture I grew up in, the life experiences I have had, or past decisions I’ve made… my self image can tend to get a little on the downhill. We can be our own worst enemies, after all.
I once was told by someone that I couldn’t expect to talk to my friends the way I talk to myself and expect them to stick around and support me. There is merit to this statement. Would I ever say the sort of things to anyone else that I say and think about myself? Why do I want to make an enemy of myself?
Whilst contemplating this a song came to mind. You know, if life had a soundtrack, this would be the moment the song faded in until loud enough to evoke tears. A real “say anything” moment. So in the spirit of John Cusack, turn your speakers up, maybe even dim the lights. Reflect and feel the love in this song:
You Are Not Alone In This… (mumford & sons)
I want you to know, that I am happy for you I wish nothing but the best for you both…
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You’d hold me until you died
Till you died, but you’re still alive…
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?
‘Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I’m not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it!!!
This song is particularly appropriate in my life on this, exquisite of all Valentines Days!
and I just want to reiterate “Punch you in the face!!!”
I am the scrooge of valentines day… not the only one, but one of millions I am certain. I can only remember one valentines that I truly enjoyed and that was spent with a now quite good friend, with anxious heart beats that thumped along to the rhythms of Paul Curreri and Devon Sproule at what was the gravity lounge in Charlottesville (now the Southern). To paint a picture, Christmas lights dimly lit this room (a renovated library room in the basement of a building). There were lawn chairs strewn along walls, sofas from various yard sales and many people in laid back clothes. It suited the atmosphere. The sweet and twinged voices of Paul and Devon leaped through the air as if to attempt to woo the entire audience at once. My attention was more on the performance than my concert going partner.. and it was a ‘platonic’ date, although years later I’ll admit my attraction for this person. *Sigh*
I will say, I do not love this holiday. Heck, I don’t really consider it a holiday. It seems to me to be more of a constant reminder that I am alone.
“You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first…” (Regina Spektor, ‘samson’)
Speak to me in music notes
in sweet symphonic harmonies
Sing to me in poems and rhyme
lull me to sleep as you read through the lines…
(inspired by sickness and loneliness)
Music and rhythm find their way into the secret places of the soul (Plato)
selfish, conceited, you’re stuck in a frame
never dreaming or scheming, you’re content with mundane
you’ve forgotten the smile and have settled on the down
and you live life a lie that makes you seem like a clown.
people think you’re unique cause your high class physique
and you wear thick frame glasses to fool all the lasses
but honey I’m not confused I see just who you are
an insecure boy compensating by faking that you’re a star.
Look at me, he said to her. His arms and legs jerked. Look at me. You got your wish. I have learned how to love. And it’s a terrible thing. I’m broken. My heart is broken. Help me.
-Kate DiCamillo; Chapter XX, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane
When I think of the state of the world today, the depravity of human goodness, the selfishness and the financial debt I am so disheartened. In 1910 our great grandparents considered debt a sin… in 1960 our grandparents had a credit card but rarely used it. Now what? We’re a nation that has build the credit card companies up to a net worth greater than that of Egypt, India, and another country combined. That is crazy. How about putting that towards poverty or health, healing disease.
Why do we charge, spend, and sign our lives away? Our neurotransmitters do not register a swipe of a card as pain, but when we hand a huge chunk of 20’s over the counter we cringe. We are looking at a nation that scams the poor into buying lottery tickets. The average person with a high school diploma spends 143 dollars a month on the lottery, contrasted to those with college degrees who still spend 65 dollars a month. Can you imagine if you put that in a money market account? You’d be a millionaire.
There is one answer: WE ARE SELFISH! I do not claim to be self-less. In fact, we all are selfish to some degree. We live in a “me” society and it breaks my heart. How am I suppose to have hope in growing old if I cannot even be witness to humans helping humans? My wish is that everyone would open their eyes and see this tragedy that we are writing. To put it plainly, when I think about the US and the direction that it is going, the society and our selfish ways, I have to say that….
The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave of the lender – Proverbs 22:7
There is no shortcut to any place worth going!