Christmas

Merry Christmas. It is snowing, the outside is silent, my inside resides in silence as well.  I was standing outside in the snow, looking up at the flakes falling to their rest. I noticed this birdhouse through the tree. I stood staring at it for minutes, thinking how peaceful the image was. My camera phone does not capture it justly, but it is captured.

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All I need is a sheet of paper and something to write with, and then
I can turn the world upside down.

~Friedrich Nietzsche, Die Weiss und die Schwarze Kunst

shhhh…

Why can’t “I need you” be taken seriously? I hear it whispered in my mind, my heart beats with a gentle ‘come back, come back’. What is all of this longing for? I hide and hide my feelings until I fight. When did we start suppressing all of the things we feel? Telling ourselves that feelings need to be ignored, hidden, silenced? Even my most sincere emotions at times feel like blasphemy because that’s what I’ve been made to know… fact.

Conflict. It’s everywhere you look, it touches everything we do. Every relationship we have. Isn’t it funny how at the core all fights are the same. 2 people, yelling, accusing or running away. Two people doing anything to avoid from telling each other what they really feel. Just talk when you want to run, reveal when you want to attack. It’s so simple, so obvious. And at the same time so incredibly hard.

I get it now, why people don’t talk to each other. It’s intense. You have to be strong. Talking as a means of resolving conflict actually goes against every biological instinct we have. We feel threatened so we fight, or if we don’t have the stomach for that, we run. Sometime we fight because we are unable to tell the other person how we really feel.

‘Just talk when you want to run, reveal when you want to attack. It’s so simple, so obvious. And at the same time so incredibly hard.’

“The course of true love never did run smooth” – William Shakespeare

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“Look at me, he said to her. His arms and legs jerked. Look at me. You got your wish. I hav
e learned how to love. And it’s a terrible thing. I’m broken. My heart is broken. Help me.”
– Kate DiCamillo; The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane
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Be Love

It seems that lying, cheating, deception, and false pretenses are the norm these days. What is it that is pushing people to become less genuine? How much longer can we play with fire until we are a society of prevaricators. I want to trust, I seek to believe. I desire to see  the light inside of people, but it is hard when that light is sometimes just deception leaking from the core. I’ve camped out enough to know that fires burn. I have felt deception. I have battled with hurt, and lost on occasion.

Is it just me or does it become increasingly more difficult to be resilient when every experience begins to take the same course? I guess for me I will trust in my ability to believe. Belief in human nature, belief in humanity, belief in intervention and standing up for the rights of each other. My goal is to remain unchanged in my outlook.

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My heart wears a leather jacket, protecting it from a motorcycle crash.

With all of these liars, I’m surprised  it doesn’t break like a broken glass. – iamsohip

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I want you to know the truth
‘Cause I’ve been around before
Thought I was looking anymore

Been a fool for weeks
‘Cause my heart stands for nothing and your soul’s too weak
Got a will that’s been around for days
Goes far if you want it, it needs to behave

But then you, you come around, big mistake
I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know
We don’t need a sign to know better times

Running around ’cause you beat yourself up
And you made a crack and the one that you love is gone
How much longer can you play with fire before you turn into a liar?

I’ve been around before
Thought you weren’t looking anymore
But then we, we come and go, go up in smoke
I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know
We don’t need a sign to know better times

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“We are all in the gutter… but some of us are looking at the stars” – Oscar Wilde

Jonesing…

Must… Have… Coffee. Tea? Soda? Anything with caffeine.

Okay, no I’m not really that dependent. Sometimes my mind just needs a habit to help it wake up (completely psychological, yes indeed). I woke up, per usual, 20 minutes before I needed to get to work. I did all of my chores and walked to my car. I grasped the handle of my car door and gave it the normal PSI tug. Nothing. “hum… *scratches head*”. I grab the handle again, this time with more force I am able to free it… but the door remains closed. Quite the conundrum. I then notice there is a lovely, thin yet strong layer of ice holding my door closed. Is this natures way of being mad at me… sure I didn’t hike this weekend, but I was outside. Doesn’t that count for something? It was cold. I was baking. These excuses are just that… excuses.

Finally I am able to pry the door open, sweet justice. I continue to heat up my car, kiss my children (dogs) goodbye, and hop into a slowly defrosting car. I think for a moment, how is it that I am not bored of this daily ‘life’  routine?

Get Up. Wash Face. Brush Teeth. Drive to Work. Work. Drive Home. Eat. Sleep.

I wonder what it is that keeps us human beings from being bogged down by the repetition of life. Are we or are we not patently bored, or perhaps just restrained by the boredom that we create in our likenesses? We craft our mannerisms and mechanisms to function specifically and responsibly, being so designed that they do not fluctuate or flutter much in their execution. They perform like clockwork and the sort of steady and predictable results that come of them make a regimented version of human nature that’s nearly bulletproof and completely sick, depressing really. Perhaps variety lies in the little ‘frozen’ moments, like this morning. One thing that throws a kink in my day, while not always pleasant, keeps me ticking. So, as I wipe my eyes this morning and try in vane to make the computer screen less blurry, I am thankful for the unexpected, for “in the midst of difficulty lies opportunity” (albert einstein).

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“The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it’s only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies, that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die, but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on forever and ever. ” Chuck Palahniuk


BBQ tumor

I am starting to feel like a huge science experiment. I go to doctor upon doctor, including specialists, only to be told that I need to go another route. Last week I was told that I may have a tumor in my back, right along my spine… the word malignant was mentioned. I may be wrong here, but wouldn’t you think that if you’re not certain, you probably shouldn’t speculate about the big C (and no, not the four-letter word, the six letter word).

On top of that, I pulled my rib muscle today, or at least I think I did. I tried to look it up online. For your enjoyment only, here are the first five hits I found:

1) Pork ribs, see Wikipedia

2) BBQ Rib Recipes

3) Who loves ya baby-back

4) Beef Back Ribs

5) Images for back ribs via Google

Gee, Internet. If BBQ ribs cures a strained muscle then count me out. I think my stomach condition (oh yeah, I suppose I left that out) does not appreciate the diet of a cave man. I really hoped the last surgery on my stomach was it, the visit where the doctors couldn’t really put their finger on what was wrong with me after a week of unnecessary tests, several days on the ‘no eating’ diet, a melee of doctors that communicated solely with rocks and birds, certainly not their colleagues or me – and so they just kind of threw out some educated guesses as to why my belly has become a constant source of brutal misery and sent me home. And things kind of just slowly festered, until I found myself slithering through work on my belly, pulling myself hand over hand to whatever destination because walking really hurt that much, assuring my friends that no – I’ve gotten quite used to being in this much pain so its kind of just normal now, thanks for the concern though, try not to step on me as you guys just “”walk around.”” I’m just going to roll my way to my office now where I have to sit unfathomably upright for hours and stare blankly at a (well, two) computer screens…

I’ve been on this mission to not let whatever these doctor inspired ‘educated guesses’ that are attempting to take over my life, not take over my life.

On a different note, I am making a mental note that I am evenly exchangeable with barbecue.

Here’s a little gem from my world wide web mis-communication, trust me, it’s a better photo than the alternate of stomach and back tumors!

Sooooooo Grossssssssss!

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“How you think about a problem is more important than the problem itself. So always think positively.” Norman Vincent Peale


Fossilized

I. Am. Paralyzed.

No, not in the physical sense… although sometimes it seems that way. But, do you know that  feeling when you are overwhelmed on so many different accounts that you, rather than jump into action, become frozen. Stagnant. Glued in place. There I am. A bug frozen in amber.

Frozen in an uncomfortable form, making no progress forward nor backward, and all I can hear are my thoughts saying “stay, stay, stay”

I have many decisions coming up. To stay or to leave, to apply or to wait, to study or to pull it out of the top hat of tricks I have, graduate school now or later?

I think my problem is in the possibility. I am seeking my Ph.D. WHAT? What am I thinking?

(repeat until self-fulfilled: I can do it, I can do it, I can do it)

I can do it. But the ‘can’ is not as much of an issue as the getting started. I guess it’s simple despite my stomach’s rumble saying it is tumultuous.  One step begins every journey. Here’s to comfy walking shoes and a long path ahead…

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“You will never reach your goal until you start to take action, any action.” Byron Pulsifer